DW Modern Day Antics
by VelocityRaptor
Summary: Sima Zhao as a badass cop with some girlfriend problems? Xiahou Yuan getting waxed? Meet some shorts that I made. Modern Day AU
1. Chapter 1

**So I'm back from my uncle's funeral. I was still thinking about the trilogy I was planning so I'll find some time to make at least 2 chapters for the final part. Now for the story:**

**DW Modern Day Antics**

* * *

><p>One shot 1: Cop Antics<p>

"Let's bust out the tunes." Sima Zhao was driving a police car as a bunch of Paramore and Nickelback songs blared out of his radio. He notices an attempted robbery. Zhao sighed.

"They never learn."

He jumps out of the car and goes into action. He grabs a nearby metal pole and whacks one guy on the head with it. He kung fu kicks the other and he cuffs them in.

"Hehe. You guys never learn."

Sima Zhao whips up a phone.

"Yo father, this is Zhao. I've got two lowlifes cuffed here in Xu Zhu's restaurant."

"Good. You're starting to be like your brother. Hold on. I'll get Wen Yang there ASAP."

He was about to put it back in his pocket when he got another call. It was Wang Yuanji.

"Still working?"

"Uh...yes."

"I have no idea why I'm dating you instead of your brother."

"He works overseas, Yuanji. Anyway, I gotta go."

"Well you better remember that we're going to the mall this Friday, Ok?"

"Yeah. Got it."

Sima Zhao puts the phone back in his pocket and went back to his police cruiser. The plate said:

JINCOPS

* * *

><p>One shot 2: Beard Shampoo<p>

"Brother, there's no such thing as beard shampoo." Liu Bei said. Apparently, Guan Yu was looking for some decent stuff that can fix his beard after he, Liu Bei and Zhang Fei had a hangover.

"Let's go to the mall!"

MALL

He asked every single store owner about beard shampoo. They all said

"There's no such thing as beard shampoo."

He sighed and was about to leave with Liu Bei and Zhang Fei until they saw Lian Shi with a bottle that said "FACIAL HAIR SHAMPOO". Guan Yu instantly approaches her.

"How much for that?"

"Uh...10?"

"DEAL!"

He goes back home quickly, grabs a mirror and applies the shampoo.

"Huh?"

He notices the notable ingredients which said:

Ingredients used:

Poison Ivy

A used matchstick

Huang Gai's armpit hair

Chicken Fat

"WHAT THE HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL?!" Guan Yu screams to the top of his lungs. Guan Ping walks in.

"Told you."

* * *

><p>One Shot 3: Xiahou Yuan's Wax Job<p>

"Hey Yuan." Xiahou Dun called.

"Yeah?" Xiahou Yuan asked.

"I dare you to get your back waxed."

"Pfft. Deal!"

The next day, every Wei officer gathered to see Xiahou Yuan get waxed. He began to laugh.

"Hahahahaha! I got shot by an arrow to the knee numerous times so there's no way this could go wrong at all."

He got so cocky. He began to feel a lot of pain as everyone waxes him. It was plain painful. Cao Ren, Xu Zhu and Dian Wei pulled the duct tape really hard while Jia Xu, Cao Pi and Guo Jia mixed their tape with wasabi, floor wax and curry powder. Last one to wax him was Wang Yi and he was already tearing up.

"No no no no! I give up! I give up! I..."

It was too late. Wang Yi pulled so hard that not only did she rip off all the hair but also, she ends up making Xiahou Yuan scream so loud that he was probably heard all across the city.

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!"

* * *

><p>One Shot 4: Drunk Ladies<p>

Wu was having a blast. It was the anniversary of Sun Ce and Da Qiao's marriage. Ce approached his wife, asking.

"Why don't you girls drink alcohol?"

"We just don't."

"Oh come on. Xing Cai from Shu, Zhang Chunhua from Jin and Wang Yi from Wei all can do it. You guys can't let them outshine you right? Even my sister can handle getting drunk."

Da Qiao grabs Xiao Qiao and Lian Shi, informing them about what Sun Ce said. They decide to take up drinking. Lian Shi took the first sip.

"It's actually pretty good."

Afterwards, the three all end up getting drunk. They began to flail their arms around in confusion. They stared at each other, still drunk. The drunk Xiao Qiao made a seductive face at Lian Shi and Da Qiao.

Moments later, Zhou Tai, Lu Xun and Gan Ning were walking down the hallway when they heard noises coming from one of the doors. Frightened, the three drew their weapons. After slowly approaching the door, Gan Ning instantly opened the door only for the trio to see the most disturbing thing ever.

"OOOOOHHHHHHHHH JEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZ!"

The trio fled in fright from what they saw.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Author's unnecessary note: Listening to a Paramore song as I write this (eh not really but I was listening to it)**

* * *

><p>One Shot 1: Cop Antics 2: In the Mall<p>

Just as promised, Sima Zhao went to the mall with Wang Yuanji.

"What do you wanna do first?" Zhao asked.

"Have a blast. That's what I wanna do." Yuanji replied.

They eventually did have a blast. They went clothes shopping (which Zhao wasn't exactly happy about.), beat Zhang He's ass in an arcade dancing game and ate at Lu Xun's grilled chicken bar.

"That was good! Anything else you wanna do?" Sima Zhao asked.

"Uh..."

Before Wang Yuanji could reply however, Zhao got a call. It was Sima Yi.

"Zhao, you've got drunk drivers headed your way. They're in a red van."

"Father, it's my break remember?"

"Oh. Well just intercept them then you can continue."

Sima Zhao put the cellphone back in. He turned to Wang Yuanji.

"Be right back. This won't take long."

* * *

><p>One Shot 2: Huang Zhong and his Icy Undies<p>

The Five Tiger Generals were playing a dare game (obviously taken from Ryan Higa's I Dare You series). It was quite fun.

Some of the dares they have done were still on the table such as:

**I dare you to get your face dunked in the toilet then flush it (Sima Zhao) - in the parentheses is the sender**

**I dare you dance like Zhang He in public (Zhen Ji)**

**I dare you to get kicked by a donkey in the balls (Pang Tong)**

**I dare you to wear a bra and scream like a girl in public (Lian Shi)**

Now it was Huang Zhong's turn. His current dare read:

**I dare you to shove an entire container of ice down your underwear Mwahahahaha (Cao Pi)**

"Oh crap."

"You chickening out Huang Zhong?" Zhao Yun asked.

"Watch it squirt! I'll do it!"

Ma Chao took a small bucket from the backyard and poured a lot of ice in it. Huang Zhong was nervous.

"LET'S DO THIS!"

Zhao Yun shoved the ice into the old Shu officer's underwear. He screams in irritation.

"AHH!"

"MY BALLS ARE COLD AS ZHANG HE'S MOUTH!"

"Wait what?" Ma Chao asked.

Huang Zhong panicked and went around the house as he began to scream in front of the other Shu members. He ended up disturbing Guan Ping's sleep, caused a cat to cry in front of Bao Sanniang and to make it even worse, bumps Guan Yinping in the butt with his still icy pelvis.

"Why you...!"

The angry young woman punched Huang Zhong and he is sent flying to the wall. Zhao Yun admired the scene.

"I suppose that's an instant win for Huang Zhong."

* * *

><p>One shot 3: One Fifth Direction<p>

Guo Jia was listening to a bunch of boy band songs until he heard "One Thing" by One Direction. He began to think to himself:

"If I act like one of them, surely every woman in the land will squeal towards me."

He did begin to act like One Direction as he flirted with every woman in the land. He even sang a bunch of One Direction songs as he did it.

"Eeeeh!"

"So Cool!"

Yes. The women did squeal as he was flirting with them. Last women he had to flirt with were Wang Yi, Cai Wenji and Zhen Ji. He approached them and patted Wang Yi's shoulder. Panicking, Wang Yi turned and hits Guo Jia in the face with a hard and accurate right hook. The Wei strategist was thrown to and bounced off of Xu Zhu's belly afterwards.

"Oh crap! Sorry Guo Jia."

"Eh. This sucks."

Guo Jia gave up and went to sleep. The next morning, he had visitors. It was every female officer in the DW universe minus Wang Yi and Lu Lingqi. They began to sing "Firework" by Katy Perry like a well coordinated choir. Guo Jia groaned.

"Looks like they've been watching too much Pitch Perfect."

* * *

><p>One Shot 4: Drunk Ladies 2: Busted!<p>

Zhou Tai, Lu Xun and Gan Ning told everything to Sun Ce. He was astonished.

"What?! Da Qiao was making out with Xiao Qiao and Lian Shi drunk?! Where are they?"

Before they could answer, a servant reported that the three girls stole the car.

"Oh crap."

The girls were driving as they began to get themselves drunk (again). Moments later, they were forced to pull over. It was Sima Zhao.

"You ladies wanna know why I pulled you over?" he asked.

They ignored him and continued bobbing their heads as if they were listening to music even though they weren't.

"You three been doing any drinking?"

They still ignored him.

"Step out of the car and walk this line." Sima Zhao requested.

A still drunk Da Qiao turned to him, saying:

"Wha...? Nah"

"Ladies, step out of the car and walk the line now."

Da Qiao, Lian Shi and Xiao Qiao finally got out of the car.

"Walk the line properly." Sima Zhao said. They turned to him, drunk and confused.

"WALK!"

They didn't do it well as Sima Zhao shook his head. Half a minute later, the drunk trio was cuffed with their faces on the Wu car.

"You three are arrested for drunk driving."

Afterwards, Zhao went back to his date with Wang Yuanji as Wen Yang and Zhang Chunhua brought them to the station. A day later, they were released. As they walked back to Wu, Da Qiao turned to her friends, saying:

"Alcohol sucks ass."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 - Reupdated**

One Shot 1: No S*** Sherlock

Sima Zhao continued his break/ date with his girlfriend, Wang Yuanji but it got interrupted (again) when a security guard (Pang De) informed him of an unconscious body they found. It was Lu Lingqi. She was found KO'ed inside a garbage bin.

"I can't actually tell what even happened." Zhao said.

"We all don't know. We just found her KO'ed." Pang De replied.

Sima Zhao continued to search the area only to find something in the other garbage bin.

"Check out what I found."

"Ewww! Those are panties!" Wang Yuanji shrieked.

"Not just any panties, the victim's" Sima Zhao concluded. Wang Yuanji began to think what happened.

"Sir!" It was Jia Chong.

"We have two suspects: Yuan Shao and Cao Cao." he said.

"Wait!" It was Wang Yuanji.

"It wasn't any of those two. There is only one man that I know that would do this. It's him!" she pointed her finger at one of the nearby shop owners. It was Dong Zhuo.

"Dong Zhuo? This is madness! We can easily find out what he's planning!" Pang De complained. Wang Yuanji explained her reason.

"That would be true but if I remember right, this establishment is completely independent. Lu Lingqi was probably trying to buy jewelry but, considering Dong Zhuo's taste for women, he began to hit on her. Lu Lingqi would say no and Dong Zhuo would lure her to that room and assault her. From the would that I just saw, he probably whacked her in the head with one of the jewelry. He would attempt to rape her but someone probably came in so Dong Zhuo had to hide the body in the garbage bin using the Instant Disposal System made by Zhuge Liang. He ended up doing the same to her panties only to another bin so, I conclude that he is guilty of assault and attempted rape."

Everyone was astonished. Dong Zhuo tried to slip away in order to escape them but, Sima Zhao caught him and cuffed him up. Wang Yuanji turned to her boyfriend.

"Maybe I should join the force eh?"

"Hehe. No s*** Sherlock."

* * *

><p>One Shot 2: Dare Game 2: Fake Robbery<p>

The Five Tiger Generals played another dare game but this time, Zhang Fei got the worst dare:

**I dare you to use a realistic but toy gun to try and rob a store (Zhu Rong)**

"I don't want to do it!" he shouted.

"I'll do it for the win." Ma Chao said.

"HE'S GOING FOR THE WIN!" the others shouted simultaneously.

They get a mask for him to use and an old toy gun which Zhang Bao just sprayed black. Before doing it, Ma Chao said,

"Disclaimer everyone, do not try it at all!"

They go to an outlet run by Wang Yi, Ma Chao puts on the robber mask and while the others are at a really safe distance, Ma Chao jumped in with the toy gun on Wang Yi's forehead.

"GIVE ME YOUR MON..."

Before he could finish however, Wang Yi hits him with an uppercut which sends him flying to the ceiling and his head gets stuck, leaving the rest of his body dangling

"Ugh. That's the seventy-sixth time already! Gotta call Guo Jia."

"Well that was a win." Ma Chao said to himself.

"SHADDAP YOU!" Wang Yi shouted

* * *

><p>One Shot 3: How to get rid of Pitch Perfect<p>

Guo Jia groaned that the female officers were still singing and not even caring how much he was already annoyed with them. With that, he devised a plan. It involved breaking hearts and a lame polo shirt.

"Hey! Open up! We're gonna sing a Taylor Swift song next!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted as the other girls cheer. "Where's Wang Yuanji?"

"She wasn't here remember?"

Guo Jia came out of the room with the worst outfit a gorgeous man would wear and began to sing "Nice Guys" minus the last verse. With that, the girls got so annoyed that they left.

"YEAH!"

The next day...

Guo Jia had more visitors. It was Cao Pi, Sun Ce, Zhou Yu, Guan Xing and Zhang Bao. They were wearing brown wigs and began to sing:

"Remember that when you are feeling sad and down..."

Guo Jia screamed and ran into his room. He came out later with a baton that caused puking. He used it on them.

"Haha! Screw you guys!"

* * *

><p>One Shot 4: The God of Bondage?<p>

Zhou Yu was on his laptop as usual only to find the strangest mail ever:

**Teach me O God of Bondage  
><strong>**-Cao Cao**

**Teach me O God of Bondage  
>-Sima Shi<strong>

**Teach me O God of Bondage  
><strong>-**Guan Ping**

**Teach me O God of Bondage  
><strong>-**Zhang He?**

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"What's the matter?" Xiao Qiao came in.

"Some guys are calling me the God of Bondage!"

Xiao Qiao was confused. She shrugged and left the room. When he was all alone, he flipped a hidden switch which led to a studio for a bondage show.

"I really gotta stop doing this and make a reality show."

With that, he burned down the entire set. The next day, he got more mail:

**Teach me O God of Bologna  
><strong>-**Cao Pi**

**Teach me O God of Bologna  
>-Sima Yi<strong>

**Teach me O God of Bologna  
>-Zhuge Liang<strong>

**Teach me O God of Bologna  
>-Ma Chao<strong>

Zhou Yu groaned, closed the laptop and made himself forget about his mail by pouring ice down his undies. He screams and crashes on the sofa.

"Ugh"


	4. Finally off my lazy arse

**I finally got off my lazy arse!**

**Chapter 4**

One Shot 1: Raking Bad

It was a noisy night at Wu. There were sounds of explosions and chemicals being mixed. Sun Ce woke up to find out what's going on only to find Lu Su making meth.

"What the hell?!"

"Oh. Hello Sun Ce."

"Why the hell are you making meth?!"

"Get filthy rich."

Before Sun Ce could respond however, Lu Su went inside a red car with all the meth he made. Luckily for him, no police came to stop him as they were oblivious to the fact that he was carrying meth. He went inside an alley to meet with his contact: Han Dang.

"Got my goods?"

"Yeah"

With that, he gave the meth to Han Dang. Lu Su went back inside the car and went on his way back to Wu but not before getting Han Dang's pay.

* * *

><p>One Shot 2: Dare Game 3: The Endurance Challenge<p>

For the third time, the Five Tiger Generals played their dare game. What Guan Yu got said:

**I dare you to withstand any of the following: (Wang Yi)**

**Get kicked 10 times in the balls by a horse**

**Getting slapped on the back shirtless by Meng Huo**

**or 100 stabs from me**

"I'm doing them all!"

"Wait what?" Ma Chao asked.

"You heard me! All of it!"

They go to the stables. Guan Yu slaps Ma Dai's horse in the butt and gets kicked in the balls. He does this again nine times. Afterwards, they get Meng Huo to slap Guan Yu in the back. He however, does this with his gauntlets and sends Guan Yu flying to a wall. They go to Wang Yi's outlet and the sign now read:

**MA CHAO  
>-Banned<strong>

He took it seriously and decided to stay outside. Guan Yu approaches Wang Yi.

"Ready?"

"Yeah. This better not be a seduction plan."

Guan Yu's screams of pain were heard as he got stabbed by Wang Yi in the arms and legs though the last one was in the arse. The "God of War" came outside limping and tearing up.

"Cool. You've won one. Ma Chao's won one and Huang Zhong has won one as well." Zhao Yun said.

"Thanks for coming by." Wang Yi said to the group before they left.

* * *

><p>One Shot 3: Cao Pi's Secret<p>

"Come on, dear. Tell me!" Zhen Ji pleaded.

"Sorry. Even though you're my wife, I'd rather not share my secret with anyone." Cao Pi replied.

With that statement, Zhen Ji sighed and left. Apparently, she always wanted to know Cao Pi's secret. She told it all about it to Cao Cao and Zhang He.

"You want to know my son's secret?" Cao Cao asked.

"Yeah"

"Idea: We stalk him." Zhang He said.

"Like how Sima Shi used to stalk that girl from Shu?"

"Uh... Yeah."

The trio began to stalk Cao Pi through his day: from breakfast all the way to the point where they got so bored until they snuck inside the young man's bedroom while he was fast asleep after drinking with Zhang Liao and Cao Ren. They began searching quietly until they saw the unthinkable: beside Cao Pi was:

ONE HUGE TEDDY BEAR

Cao Cao, Zhang He and Zhen Ji attempted to hold in their laughter but it suddenly made a sound.

INTRUDERS DETECTED. TRANQ MODE INITIATED

The teddy bear began to fly with a (for some reason,) quiet jet pack and revealed a tranquilizing dart machine gun coming out of its stomach. It sprayed darts at the intruders and they get knocked out.

When they woke up...

"Like it?" It was Cao Pi. "Jia Xu made it for me."

Zhen Ji made a huge face and screamed out:

"JIA XU!"

* * *

><p>One Shot 4: A Survey for Sima Shi<p>

Sima Shi woke up only to find a survey in his laptop. He attempted to leave but it said that he can't leave unless he answers the survey. If he tried then, random pop up ads will come out. The masked warrior groans and began to answer the survey.

**1. Favorite Food? (Meatbuns)- in the parentheses is Sima Shi's answer  
><strong>

**2. Crush? (That girl from Shu)**

**3. Favorite Show? (Breaking Bad)**

**4. Have you watched Brokeback Mountain? (Yeah. IT SUCKED)**

**5. Have you ever read Twilight? (IT WAS BORING)**

**6. Guan Ping + Xing Cai + Liu Shan= (Too easy! Love Triangle)**

**7. Explain (Guan Ping likes Xing Cai. Xing Cai admires Liu Shan's virtue stuff and Liu Shan doesn't give a s*** about Guan Ping)**

**8. NERD! (As if you can answer it by yourself before I gave the answer)**

**9. If you answer this then, you can leave. Who killed three women in Windhelm from "Skyrim"?**

**(Easy: Calixto because he needed their body parts for some necromancy ritual on his sister.)**

**10. NERD! (Shut up!)**

Sima Shi noticed that the survey was made by:

"HAN DANG!"

"Sergeant!" It was a military officer.

"You're being called by commander Zhang Liao."

"Yeah. Got it."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's unnecessary note: Feels good to be back <strong>


End file.
